every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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