Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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