A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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