it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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