Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
