hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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