I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
