Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
