Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
