I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
nutella sex= disaster
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
