There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
