I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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