I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
