i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
