I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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