i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
