I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize