easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
