Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize