You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
