Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
