you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
