My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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