I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
