Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
