My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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