Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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