and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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