I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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