And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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