You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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