We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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