Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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