I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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