Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
