I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
