I bet he comes in French.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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