What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just forgot I was standing up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
