Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
