I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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