sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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