i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
