awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
