TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
