Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize