My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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