Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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