Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
