Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sarcasm needs its own font
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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