I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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