So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
