"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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