did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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