We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you had me at cake vodka
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
