i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
