his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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