we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think we might need a safe word for this...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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